Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
