My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize