1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
