two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
