I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
