and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
