Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
