he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
