I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
