Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
