"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
