I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
