i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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