I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
