Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
