a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
