I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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