yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize