I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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