WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
