so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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