I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
