We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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