You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
