I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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