It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
