you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
