If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
