My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
