i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
