You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
