I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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