I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
