All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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