I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
