I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
