I cannot find my penis.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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