Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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