This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
