So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
