My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
