saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
