I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
