Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
