Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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