I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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