Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
