thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
