Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
