Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've blown a few things in my day
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
