Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
