The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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