my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize