Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
