This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Still dying that you shit outside
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
