I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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