ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
