Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize