new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
