i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
