He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
