My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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