you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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