Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
