Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
