mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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